And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Damn victory sex feels great
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
