I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
