White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
