I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
