Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
