I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.