So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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