He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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