the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
