i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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