I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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