Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
