how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
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does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
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Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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