college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
