I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
