I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize