Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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