I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
