Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
