Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
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I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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