im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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