what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
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tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
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Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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