i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Michael Bay diarrhea
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
