you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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