Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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