She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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