you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
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I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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