took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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