i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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