how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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