I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
