i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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