Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
why is half of my head shaved?
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