I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
