Pants 0. Shit 1.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
