I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Boobs speak an international language.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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