how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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