I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
