It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
