We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
