Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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