i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
