the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
