I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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