i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
