i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
