My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
