woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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