She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm too high and old for this...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
