He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
