We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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