I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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