I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
