Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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