i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
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I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.