I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.