i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.