I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed