he was CRYING into my vagina
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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