You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
